The United States of America
July 4, 1776 – November 9, 2016
On the evening of November 8th, the United States of America was rushed to the hospital suffering from what was believed to be a massive heart attack. This came as a great shock to many as she had been believed to be in excellent health only hours earlier. Doctors, nurses, and pollsters worked late into the night making every effort to save her. Their efforts were unfortunately in vain. The United States of America was pronounced dead in the early morning hours of November 9th.
“How could this have happened?” one tearful onlooker cried at the pronouncement. Perhaps we have an answer, at least to a point. A hastily performed autopsy revealed that the heart attack may have been the acute cause of death, but there was a far greater underlying condition. The United States of America was suffering from numerous malignant forms of cancer. Some were quickly identified. Hatred, racism, bigotry, misogyny, arrogance, homophobia, apathy, intolerance, greed, and xenophobia. Others could not be immediately recognized, and it may be years before we understand the cause of death in it’s entirety. Additionally, blood tests show that The United States of America was suffering from a severe deficiency of several key vitamins including Hope.
“It feels like 9/11 all over again,” remarked one mourner at the quickly growing vigil in Washington, D.C. This was expressed often following the announcement of the country’s passing. But as another pointed out, “This time there is no enemy to bomb, no one else to blame. We did this to ourselves. We did more damage than our enemies ever could.”
Another mourner summed it up best when they said, “We are all well and truly fucked. I’m moving to Canada.”
We attempted to get reactions on the death of the United States of America from noteworthy entities close to her, but were less than successful.
Freedom and Liberty could not be reached for comment.
Justice only responded to say she was seeking asylum in Canada.
The Bill of Rights has gone into hiding in an undisclosed location.
The Constitution doused itself with gasoline and immolated itself.
The American Flag was last seen heading toward Mexico with a sign saying “Will Fly for Food”.
The Statue of Liberty was unable to comment having been hospitalized hours after hearing the news. Low lying areas around New York Harbor quickly became flooded with her tears. She has been placed in a medically endued coma for her own protection.
The American Bald Eagle, symbol of the United States of America for more than 200 years, had this to say. “Pluck me, stuff me, and cook me. Then serve me with cranberry sauce. I hope you all choke.”
The Presidents of Mount Rushmore gave long and passionate speeches about the United States of American, but they were unintelligible as they were stoned at the time.
The United States of America is survived by ally nations around the world, as well as a grieving population (more than half of voters are grieving anyway).
A funeral has been scheduled for January 20th in Washington, D.C. The United States of America was 240 years old.
“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” – Verbal Kint/Keyser Soze, “The Usual Subjects”